To the Chicago Blackhawks,
I say this, full offense: SUCK IT. You may have made the playoffs last season in the bubble, but we still take such pride knowing that prior to that, your last appearance resulted in a 4-0 sweep by the Predators.
Eating Corey Crawford’s lunch for free, for four straight games, was and still is one of our favorite memories.
If it weren’t for a Gatorade commercial with Patrick Kane, your franchise wouldn’t even be relevant, at least not right now.
“Game Over” he said as the Predators put another one on the board.
You can’t talk about a smug fanbase without considering your smarmy bunch of mouth-breathing, sausage-smelling, sewer-dwelling fans. You’re an original six franchise? Awesome. Wow. Very cool. We literally do not care; nobody does.
You may have deserved respect a decade ago, but now? I mean, c’mon…our goalie scored a goal on you (and much love to Pekka Rinne for it).
Like the older sibling that peaked too soon, you too are relegated to mediocrity. You may not live in the basement of mom and dad’s house, but your studio apartment is nothing to brag about, and you’re one bounced check away from sharing that basement again.
We’d say we look forward to seeing you for the holidays, but we don’t, because seeing you now is just…depressing. Make no mistake, that doesn’t make you deserving of our pity.
May your holiday season bring you nothing – absolutely nothing. The gift you get, but don’t deserve, is the privilege to even share the ice with us.